it's the little things...acknowledging our strengths

As I'm getting ready to take Ryan to his hockey game yesterday he shows me his latest Lego creation.  He's getting more creative with his Lego.  He's starting to build structures and vehicles instead of his regular elaborate battle scenes.  Don't get me wrong, his battles and war stories are very complex and strategic.  It's just that he's been raging war against the Empire since forever, so I think sometimes I forget how complicated his story lines are.  So he's explaining his latest invention and it's really kind of a cool little car with a compartment that can hold stuff.  He then tells me that he wants to be a Lego Master Builder.  We saw a job posting not too long ago and he's been fixated ever since.  I told him that I think that might be a good summer job in a few years when he's older and has some more experience building bigger structures.  "Well," he states, "My ADHD gives me extra creativity.".  Slightly surprised by this statement, and knowing how my son speaks I asked him who told him that?  I mean, I know how fabulous he is and we discuss his creativity all the time.  However, I don't think I've ever actually told him that I think he is creative.  He relied simply with "H" (a friend of the family).  "Well," I relied, "I think she's right.".  "YES!" Ryan exclaims in triumph, "Finally...this ADHD thing is good for something!!".  Way to see the positive my friend!  Clearly we need to do more of that.  New Year's resolution #1.

Happy Holidays to everyone!  Breath deeply and remember the positives and focus on strengths.  Things can go sideways pretty quickly so bring your sense of humor and know that this too shall pass.  As my fav author Dr. Seuss says "Those who matter won't mind and those who mind don't matter".

Frustration

I read an article about helping our kids grow their frustration tolerance and thought it tied in well to my previous post about resiliency.  Helping to teach our children resiliency is also about teaching them to build up their tolerance to frustration.  As with many life lessons for our kids, the first examples begin at home, with us, and how we handle our own life situations.  I have to admit that I've been running on empty for a long time, which is the number one killer for frustration tolerance.  However taking steps to get healthy and fill my own "bucket" on a daily basis (being thankful, taking care of myself, getting enough sleep, having enough fun etc.) helps me deal with life's little setbacks calmly and rationally.  Not everything has equal importance.  Not everything is an emergency.  Realizing this also helps to save my energy for the big battles that life tends to throw our way once in a while.  Here are some great tips on increasing our kids frustration tolerance.  What are some ways that you handle things when they go upside down (and often sideways?)?  I'd love to hear!

Teaching Resiliency

Ryan had another tough couple of days this week.  I’m struggling constantly with the notion that we made the wrong choice.  The rational side of me knows that the program works.  Going through the Arrowsmith program will help Ryan in so many ways.  Part of the problem is, is that I can’t go through this with him.  He has to go through this alone and it breaks my heart.  I’ve always been able to be his buffer when his emotions get the best of him.  I've had access to his day and can help him calm down.  Ryan’s emotions are getting the best of him at his new school and he feels very much alone.  He doesn’t really know his teachers yet (it’s only been 4 weeks), nor does he have any real bonds with his classmates.  There is no “quiet room”, like at his previous school and his teachers have very specific expectations of behaviour.  Ryan’s previous school was very tolerant of his emotional difficulties.  Ryan isn’t a behavioural “problem” but when he gets frustrated he can get very emotional and melt down.  It doesn't happen often but when it does…look out.  It’s compounded when he is tired or hungry.  Otherwise he is quiet easy going…it’s really a Jekyll and Hyde situation.  I started looking for some tips on helping Ryan deal with his frustration.  I wanted to give him some tools that he can take back to the classroom with him.  It’s hard for a 9 year old boy to see the big picture of long term goals.  It’s hard for him to realize that doing the activities for hours and hours will one day be to his benefit.  He just doesn’t have the life experience yet to appreciate this.  Here are a few tips about resiliency that I found interesting.  They were either a new twist for us to employ or a nice confirmation of what we are doing:

1. Listen.  Listening to your kids instead of trying to give advice or “fix things” helps you to truly see the world from their perspective.  I've tried to be quieter and just listen to Ryan’s stories and frustrations without judgement or without telling him what he should do about things.
2. Empathize.  Instead of telling your child to just “shake it off”, understand their perspective.  Take a moment to see things through their eyes.  Share your empathy with your child.  “Wow, I can see how that would be very frustrating.”
3.  Ask.  Ask your children what they can do differently next time or how they might rectify a situation.  Instead of telling your child that they need to apologize or the steps that they need to “fix” a problem, ask them for their input.  If they could have a “re-do”, how would they change their choices?  If they were wronged, what might make them feel better?  How could they make the situation better?
4.  Manage emotions.  Kids learn very quickly which emotions will get them what they want, or out of doing what they don’t want.  I also have to learn how to ride out Ryan’s emotions and recognize that, while I feel really badly that he had a bad day, he is still capable of doing his homework.
5. Model resiliency.  This is a big one for me.  I need to remember that “little people” are watching my every move and really handle my own emotions.  I tend to rant or vent to my husband or friend on the phone and forget that others might be listening.

Ryan needs to know that he’s going to have bad days.  The only things they work on in his program are the HARD things.  It’s one thing to know this and another to experience it.  Hopefully, these few steps will help us ride the wave a little easier.

Here are a few sites that had some more advice on teaching resiliency:

http://psychcentral.com/lib/10-tips-for-raising-resilient-kids/00017272

http://www.kidspot.com.au/schoolzone/Friendships-Teaching-your-child-resilience+3994+394+article.htm

http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/resilience.aspx