Ryan had another tough couple of days this week. I’m struggling constantly with the notion
that we made the wrong choice. The
rational side of me knows that the program works. Going through the Arrowsmith program will
help Ryan in so many ways. Part of the
problem is, is that I can’t go through this with him. He has to go through this alone and it breaks
my heart. I’ve always been able to be
his buffer when his emotions get the best of him. I've had access to his day and can help him calm
down. Ryan’s emotions are getting the
best of him at his new school and he feels very much alone. He doesn’t really know his teachers yet (it’s
only been 4 weeks), nor does he have any real bonds with his classmates. There is no “quiet room”, like at his
previous school and his teachers have very specific expectations of behaviour. Ryan’s previous school was very tolerant of
his emotional difficulties. Ryan isn’t a
behavioural “problem” but when he gets frustrated he can get very emotional and
melt down. It doesn't happen often but
when it does…look out. It’s compounded
when he is tired or hungry. Otherwise he
is quiet easy going…it’s really a Jekyll and Hyde situation. I started looking for some tips on helping
Ryan deal with his frustration. I wanted
to give him some tools that he can take back to the classroom with him. It’s hard for a 9 year old boy to see the big
picture of long term goals. It’s hard
for him to realize that doing the activities for hours and hours will one day
be to his benefit. He just doesn’t have
the life experience yet to appreciate this.
Here are a few tips about resiliency that I found interesting. They were either a new twist for us to employ
or a nice confirmation of what we are doing:
- Listen. Listening to your kids instead of trying to give advice or “fix things” helps you to truly see the world from their perspective. I've tried to be quieter and just listen to Ryan’s stories and frustrations without judgement or without telling him what he should do about things.
- Empathize. Instead of telling your child to just “shake it off”, understand their perspective. Take a moment to see things through their eyes. Share your empathy with your child. “Wow, I can see how that would be very frustrating.”
- Ask. Ask your children what they can do differently next time or how they might rectify a situation. Instead of telling your child that they need to apologize or the steps that they need to “fix” a problem, ask them for their input. If they could have a “re-do”, how would they change their choices? If they were wronged, what might make them feel better? How could they make the situation better?
- Manage emotions. Kids learn very quickly which emotions will get them what they want, or out of doing what they don’t want. I also have to learn how to ride out Ryan’s emotions and recognize that, while I feel really badly that he had a bad day, he is still capable of doing his homework.
- Model resiliency. This is a big one for me. I need to remember that “little people” are watching my every move and really handle my own emotions. I tend to rant or vent to my husband or friend on the phone and forget that others might be listening.
Ryan needs to know that he’s going to have bad days. The only things they work on in his program
are the HARD things. It’s one thing to
know this and another to experience it.
Hopefully, these few steps will help us ride the wave a little easier.
Here are a few sites that had some more advice on teaching
resiliency:
http://www.kidspot.com.au/schoolzone/Friendships-Teaching-your-child-resilience+3994+394+article.htm
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