ADHD and the Holidays

As many of you know and have experienced, the holidays can be both a blessing and a curse if you are living with and loving someone with ADHD.  The late nights, crowded shopping malls, extra things on “to do” lists, parties, strangers, traveling, sweets, rich dinners, greasy take out, getting out of routine and, of course taking some actual time off, can lead to elevated levels of anxiety, meltdowns and frustration…and that’s from your neurotypical family members! Seriously though, all the above can amplify and wear out your family members with ADHD and yourself which is often an explosive combination. This was us for a very long time.  I have a tough time with the holidays to begin with, probably because of working retail for years and seeing the awful side of people.  Then throw in dealing with our son’s anxiety and I’m just done with this whole holiday cheer thing. This year though we decided to try to do things differently. We got really organized and took advantage of online shopping and Black Friday/Cyber Monday deals. Thus, reducing our ventures into the unholy world of the mall at Christmas season. Now that our son is old enough to stay home by himself, he too has been able to avoid unnecessary trips into crowded and hot stores that he has no interest in being in. We are trying to plan outings around dinner to avoid eating out. Not only am I still on my weight loss journey, but too much take out is just never a good thing. We get up and out earlier on weekends when we are all more rested, and places are less crowded. We also make shorter trips more often, instead of trying to do everything in one go. It means I must really keep on top of my lists and it’s a bit more inconvenient, but it’s making the over all experience much better for everyone. I can also take each child separately and tackle their shopping lists too, while spending a little one-on-one time with each of them.

What are some of your tips for getting ready for the holidays?

More about ADHD

Here is a fantastic episode from CBC's "The Nature of Things" with David Suzuki. It's primarily about Adult ADHD but explains what ADHD is, discusses the impact of ADHD and treatments such as therapy, medication, life coaching and new methods for creating neurons (much like what our son did through the Arrowsmith).

It's a lengthy watch but if you are interested in learning about ADHD, or are just curious about the condition, then it's well worth it. Our son sees Dr. Hoffer for treatment so it was interesting to see him as one of the featured Dr.s being interviewed for this episode!!

Click HERE to watch the video.

What is ADHD?

I had an interesting conversation with a dear friend’s mother the other day about ADHD and I realized that there is still a lot of mystery about ADHD, what it is and how it is diagnosed. It seems like all you hear about is ADHD and everyone is getting diagnosed with ADHD. Is ADHD just an excuse for bad parenting? Are we just letting our kids run amok and then labelling them as ADHD? Maybe.

**I should note at this point that I am NOT a medical professional and any opinions voiced in this blog are just that, my opinions. I have no medical training and base my knowledge on my own research and our family’s experiences. If you question whether your own child has ADHD, you should seek medical advice from your GP or pediatrician.**

I too, read articles titled “14 Signs of ADHD” and think that these just sound like busy children. Then I reflect on our own experience. It’s hard to explain other than parental instinct. But you watch your child, among their peers, and there is something different. You child is louder, busier, angrier, whinier, messier, more forgetful, more destructive, more energetic, sillier than the others. All. The. Time. It may be subtle, but the inkling is there. Our son was not diagnosed until grade 4 so he was still only 8 years old. We knew that our son was having difficulty academically. His learning disabilities were the focus of everyone’s energies. However, his ADHD was also getting in the way of his progress.

I also hear arguments about how the school environment is not conducive to children’s natural personalities and therefore we just label kids as having ADHD. I tend to agree somewhat. I think early childhood education is too restrictive, classrooms are too big and that 3 and 4-year old’s do not need to be in institutional care 5 days a week. In Ontario we run play based kindergarten programs. Unfortunately, we also have class sizes of up to 30 children in rooms designed for 20, utilizing a program that was designed for class sizes of 18. So, while I do have some exceptions to the educational system and gaps in teacher training in general, most children can adapt. Perhaps not willingly, but most kids tend to settle into routine and begin to flourish in our education system such as it is. Our son did not. In fact, he got worse. His emotional outbursts were getting him teased and bullied at school, he couldn’t read, he couldn’t remember how to write his last name. When tested, his reading and writing were immeasurable, and he couldn’t follow 2 step instructions without forgetting at least one of the steps if not both of them.

ADHD does not just speak about busy, rough and tumble children. Or the day-dreamy child who must be called back to the task at hand. It’s when the rough and tumble, busy, day dreaming starts to get in the way. It gets in the way of friends. It gets in the way at home. It gets in the way at school. It’s after using calendars and routines and check lists and they still forget to brush their teeth AND get their P.J.s on. It’s after losing endless numbers of hats and mitts and scarves (not just one or two sets but literally a set a week). It’s after getting another phone call home about being hands on at school again. It’s about hearing the announcement for sports try outs in the morning but forgetting to go at lunch. It’s about getting so frustrated that everything is so hard everyday that you can do nothing else but meltdown and hide behind the bushes on the school yard.

This is ADHD.

A blessing and a curse

The Ipad, the Ipod, smart phones and the computer.  All of them are useful devices that help us get through our day.  Emails, Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram etc. are all wonderful ways to share our lives and stay in touch with friends and family.  There are all sorts of educational apps that help us teach our children social skills, their ABC's, Mathematics, art, fashion design or pretty much anything else we can think of.  Apps help us find coupons, coffee shops, track our calories and remind us to drink our water.  We keep track of our family calendars and sync between all family members and their devices.  We can respond to texts and emails virtually anywhere at anytime.  These are all very helpful tools for busy families who cannot always pick up the phone during reasonable business hours.

However, my ADHD guy definitely has an addiction.  YouTube, Minecraft, Chess, Zombie Warfare, Clash of Clans.  All of these games and apps have their uses and I used to be very lenient because they were creative, strategic etc.  However, we let things go too far and the Ipad started going to bed.  At first it was occasionally, then it became more frequent.  Then my guy became dependent.  The Ipad goes to bed with him more often than not.  Yes, we disconnect wi-fi but, if he can't sleep, he just finds other games to play.

We went through a time when my guy wasn't able to fall asleep until 11pm.  This wasn't enough sleep to get him through the day and he turned into a hot mess very quickly.  We began cutting back on the Ipad and started some Melatonin and that helped.  However, the more research I did, the more I realized what I already knew - the Ipad needs to go.  We are on the 4 week countdown to the first day of school.  It is my goal to have the Ipad off an hour before bed and it stays downstairs.  It's going to be SO painful.  My little guy is not open to this at all.  I have flashbacks of putting my kids to bed when they were babies - that kind of painful.

Bobby Fischer is that you?

So my kid has taught himself how to play chess.  Truly, and honestly, he knows how to play chess.  He picked up the game in grade 4.  His teacher brought in a chess board and the kids would "play" during indoor recess or during free time etc.  The teacher taught the students some basic moves but they, for the most part, made up their own game outside of these basic elements.  Since then, R has moved schools and they have a chess club.  Last year he was too late to join.  However, this year he has not just joined but has qualified to enter the school competition.  What?  I mean...what?

I knew he liked the game but I didn't realize that he had been practicing on line and teaching himself by watching videos (thanks youtube).  My husband told me this news yesterday.  "You mean play, play?"  I asked. "Not just made up play?" and he told me about the competition.  I've tried SO many times to pick up chess and it literally makes my brain hurt.  I can't remember the names of the pieces, which ones are stronger and in which direction each piece can move.  As I said to my husband yesterday - I can barely keep up with checkers most days.

No, I don't REALLY think he's the next Bobby Fischer but it's kind of cool that a kid, who people had started to write off, taught himself, and remembered, some of the intricacies and strategies of a pretty complicated game with limited reading ability.  Part of my "break" has been my intense anxiety about the future.  My head know's he's going to be O.K. but my heart hasn't always been so sure.  Now, without any doubt, I know.

Getting back into routine

We survived the holidays!  Yay to us!  Few meltdowns, lots of visiting, way too much food and a good time was had by all.  We hope that everyone had a great new Year's Eve!  Now that all of the festivities are over, everyone is getting bored and restless and we're ready to get back into routine.  R has been doing his homework every day this week.  Although he protested mightily at first, I think he's actually glad to have this one thing that is routinized in his day.  Yes it's all good to be without a timetable and schedule and to wake up late etc.  However, when you have attention and memory issues, routine is the best thing you can do to support yourself.  I know for my own self that if I have a change in my routine, that's when I'm most likely to leave my phone at home or some piece of my lunch gets left on the kitchen counter.

This doesn't mean that you can never have a carefree lifestyle or that you are bound to a schedule forever.  It simply means that making small routines throughout your day will go a long way when it comes to memory or attention dysfunctions.  For example, breakfast, bed and bath and dinner routines can help make these times a little less chaotic and the whole process can run more smoothly.  As children get older and become more responsible for their own routines, having these foundation routines can make this transition easier.

Keeping the kids into routine where possible not only keeps them on track but keeps me on track too.  It's good to take a break from routine.  It shakes things up and allows for different experiences.  It's also nice to have some familiar friendly routines to come home to.

Cheers!

it's the little things...acknowledging our strengths

As I'm getting ready to take Ryan to his hockey game yesterday he shows me his latest Lego creation.  He's getting more creative with his Lego.  He's starting to build structures and vehicles instead of his regular elaborate battle scenes.  Don't get me wrong, his battles and war stories are very complex and strategic.  It's just that he's been raging war against the Empire since forever, so I think sometimes I forget how complicated his story lines are.  So he's explaining his latest invention and it's really kind of a cool little car with a compartment that can hold stuff.  He then tells me that he wants to be a Lego Master Builder.  We saw a job posting not too long ago and he's been fixated ever since.  I told him that I think that might be a good summer job in a few years when he's older and has some more experience building bigger structures.  "Well," he states, "My ADHD gives me extra creativity.".  Slightly surprised by this statement, and knowing how my son speaks I asked him who told him that?  I mean, I know how fabulous he is and we discuss his creativity all the time.  However, I don't think I've ever actually told him that I think he is creative.  He relied simply with "H" (a friend of the family).  "Well," I relied, "I think she's right.".  "YES!" Ryan exclaims in triumph, "Finally...this ADHD thing is good for something!!".  Way to see the positive my friend!  Clearly we need to do more of that.  New Year's resolution #1.

Happy Holidays to everyone!  Breath deeply and remember the positives and focus on strengths.  Things can go sideways pretty quickly so bring your sense of humor and know that this too shall pass.  As my fav author Dr. Seuss says "Those who matter won't mind and those who mind don't matter".